She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
