rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
