I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
