clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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