I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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