her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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