My underwear smells like fireworks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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