I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
