i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
