OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
