well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
