She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
