its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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