too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
