He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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