I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
