Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
