guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
