My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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