he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
