Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have tasted many bathrooms
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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