You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
