so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
