If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
