i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We left an ass print on the piano.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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