every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
