you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
