my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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