I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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