Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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