Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
