my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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