I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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