my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
