i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
