Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
