I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
