cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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