I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
