Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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