I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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