tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
