Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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