I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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