I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize