I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
