i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dick very happy bro
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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