Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
