Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The best revenge is premature balding
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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