I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
