remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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