Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
