This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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