I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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