I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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