One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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