My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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