He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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