In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
