I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
