Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
