you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
